Today's Toons 1/11/10

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In Case You Missed It Dept.:

Russian scientists said they're working on how to stop an asteroid from hitting the Earth in two decades. The timing is no accident. Now that global warming's been discredited, asteroid deflection is positioning itself to become Al Gore's next passion.

The White House resisted demands to profile passengers like the Christmas Day airline bomber. He's the son of a prominent African with a Muslim name and he graduated from a top school. Homeland Security computers had him cleared to board Air Force One.

Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano declared victory on Meet the Press last weekend, saying that the failed attempt to blow up an airliner proves the system worked. The remark blew up in her face. No one knows how she got this bomb past security.

President Obama returned to Washington from Hawaii on Air Force One Monday. He doesn't have to deal with airport security He's lucky he was elected president or he would still be at O'Hare Airport explaining those Indonesian stamps on his passport.

C-SPAN's Brian Lamb wrote to Democratic House and Senate leaders this week asking that C-SPAN be allowed to televise health care negotiations. C-SPAN can't do this live. The way Congress is planning to screw the American people, there'd have to be a five-second delay to give the control room enough time to scramble the private parts.

Democratic House and Senate leaders met in private with the White House Monday to hammer out a health care deal. The public and congressional committee chairmen were completely shut out of the deliberation process. The only way we're going to get the details on this bill is if Tiger Woods cheats on it and the tabloids find out.

President Obama discussed how to tighten up airport security with his national security team Tuesday. They're in a real pickle. The penalty is twenty years in prison for attempting to blow up an airliner but it's forty years in prison for racial profiling.

Weatherproof put up a photo of President Obama wearing their windbreaker in China on a Times Square billboard. It's wrong. President Obama expressed anger over the unauthorized use of his picture on a billboard and gave them six years to take it down.

Florida growers suffered crop damage Wednesday when a cold front froze oranges and strawberries in twenty-degree weather. Floridians are bracing for the worst. Al Gore wants the temperatures re-counted because they don't agree with his exit polls.

Senator Chris Dodd said Wednesday he won't seek re-election, a day after Senator Byron Dorgan bowed out, while Ben Nelson is thirty points behind in Nebraska. No need for Democrats to panic. There's still time to rob one more train before the Pinkertons arrive.

-- Argus Hamilton

Happy New Year! Everyone was off for Christmas . . . And apparently, so was Homeland Security.

This kid tried to detonate the bomb in his underwear. Fortunately it didn't go off. His underpants just caught fire. Or as al-Qaida calls it, a wardrobe malfunction.

Sen. Chris Dodd unveiled his plan to reduce corruption in the Senate. He’s retiring.

He says he may go work for the banking industry. Have you seen his voting record? I think he already works for the banking industry.

-- Leno

Next week President Obama will visit the auto show in Detroit and look at cars from the Big Three automakers. Or as the Big Three automakers put it, "The new owner is coming for a visit.”

-- Conan

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The Pope went on vacation for a few days to visit the rugged mountains of Alaska. He was cruising along the campground in the Pope Mobile when he heard a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods.

“He found a helpless Democrat wearing shorts, sandals, an Obama Hope & Change hat and a Save-the-Trees T-shirt. The man was screaming and struggling frantically, thrashing all about and trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly bear.

As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers wearing Go Sarah shirts came racing up. One quickly fired a 44 magnum slug right into the bear's chest. The two other men pulled the semiconscious Democrat from the bear's grasp. Then using baseball bats, the three loggers finished off the bear.

Two of the men dragged the dead grizzly onto the bed of their pickup truck while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat. As they began to leave, the Pope summoned all of the men over to him. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions! I had heard there was bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic environmental activists, but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true."

As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies, "Who the heck was that guy?"

“Dude, that was the Pope," another replied. "He's in direct contact with Heaven and has access to all wisdom."

"Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all wisdom, but he doesn't know squat about bear hunting! By the way, is the bait still alive or do we need to go back to Massachusetts and get another one?"

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An 86 year old man, who had been married to the same woman for 55 years, awoke one morning and noticed a strange sensation.

Upon further investigation, he realized that he had an erection, not unlike the ones he experienced when he first got married.

He immediately set out to show his wife his new-found marvel. Upon seeing her husband's curiosity, she responded with, "Not now honey. I've got a splitting headache."

After recovering from her ego damping response, he went to the hall closet and began putting on his coat and gloves. His wife frowned a little and said, “Where do you think you’re going?”

To which he said, “I’m going to the airport and walk through the security scanner. I want everyone to see this.”

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Political Cryptogram

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Political Cryptoquote

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