Today's Toons 7/6/10

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Al Gore was accused by a masseuse in Portland of sexually assaulting her and leaving his DNA matter on her clothes. Bill Clinton must be furious. If Al is going to steal another comedian's act, why can't he just smash a watermelon onstage?

New York's former governor Eliot Spitzer will host a prime-time show with columnist Kathleen Parker on CNN. He resigned his office over a hooker and she's a conservative pundit. The ratings will be great until viewers realize they're not arguing over price.

Arizona took a hit from the federal government Thursday when the U.S. Department of Education canceled a conference in Phoenix. These conferences showcase all the new textbooks. The maps in the new social studies books have no Israel and no Arizona.

The White House press spokesman said Wednesday there is nothing wrong with the president playing golf while the oil spill is raging. You know Democrats. President Obama doesn't think of it as playing golf, he thinks of it as promoting electric cars.

President Obama took Russian President Medvedev to Ray's Hell Burger in Virginia Thursday. It got a bit messy. Halfway through lunch Joe Biden accidentally knocked over his iced tea and he demanded that BP send a team of experts to clean up the spill.

General David Petraeus faces tough Senate questions this week over the U.S. troops' rules of engagement in Afghanistan. Americans are trained not to shoot anyone unless they can see his weapon. After the massage incident Al Gore's lucky to be alive.

Supreme Court nominee Elena Kagan cited her time as Bill Clinton's White House counsel Monday. Being Bill Clinton's legal adviser is like being Al Gore's masseuse. It starts out as a professional relationship but it winds being your word against his.

Al Gore's masseuse gave her account Monday of his behavior in a Portland hotel room during a massage. It's funny. All these years Tipper Gore has been pushing for explicit sexual warnings on music and now we learn there should've been one on Al.

The FBI arrested a Russian spy ring operating in the Northeast who were posing as husbands and wives in the suburbs Monday. It was close. They were in the final stages of being Americanized, just a semester shy of mastering conversational Spanish.

The FBI arrested eleven Russians in New York and New Jersey Tuesday for spying on the United States. The dragnet is still underway. Late last night Al Gore called Maria Sharapova from his massage table and told her he had atomic secrets under his towel.

Al Gore is in trouble after Portland police reopened an investigation into a Portland masseuse's sex assault complaint against him. She says she saved Al's DNA matter, which he left on her clothes. Bill Clinton may never speak to Al Gore again for doing his joke.

Oprah Winfrey continued losing viewers Tuesday when the Nielsen ratings showed she's lost one-fourth of her audience. Her slide began when she took sides in the presidential election. Viewers cannot stand a talk show host who's for tax increases.

Arizona Governor Jan Brewer slammed President Obama's new border security plan Monday as the new immigration law began scaring Mexicans home to Mexico. The governor has learned two things since this controversy erupted. President Obama supports illegal immigration and Kaboom does an incredible job of getting rid of bathtub grime.

Al Gore's masseuse told cops her liberal friends talked her out of pressing sex assault charges against him because the earth might perish from global warming if Al Gore was publicly shamed. She told everything to the National Enquirer. It's the second-worst spill of the year.

President Obama refused comment three times Wednesday on the arrest of Russian spies in the U.S. He stayed cool. The president didn't want to talk about the arrest of Russian secret agents because he's really only comfortable talking about himself.

-- Argus Hamilton

President Obama met with the Russian president at the White House and afterwards, took him out for a burger. The Russian president wanted to pick up the check, but Obama said, “Don’t worry about it, just charge it to our grandchildren.”

Mexico has filed a brief against Arizona’s new immigration law. It’s a precedent because it’s the first immigration law Mexico has paid any attention to.

- - Leno

The longest-serving member of Congress, Sen. Robert Byrd of West Virginia, died at the age of 92. He may have passed away in 1982, no one is really sure.

- - Jimmy Kimmel

Vice President Joe Biden went down to the Gulf to see the oil spill. Haven’t the people down there suffered enough?

I like the old vampire movies because they let the horror build up slowly. Things start out normal and then get creepier and creepier. Kind of like the Al Gore sex scandal.

- - Craig Ferguson

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President Obama met with General McChrystal about the article appearing in Rolling Stone magazine.

Things were obviously tense, and Obama had just accepted the General's resignation. Obama said to him, "I bet when I die, you'll piss on my grave."

To which General McChrystal answered, "No sir, I've always said that when I get out of the Army, I'll never again wait in another line."

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So what’s the deal with these Democrat presidents?

Obama can’t control his generals,

and Clinton couldn’t control his privates!

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