Today's Toons 7/12/10

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President Obama demanded amnesty for illegals Thursday, the same day he slapped a tax on tanning salons. What fun. Only a Democrat would subsidize brown people who want to be Americans, then turn around and tax Americans who want to be browner people.

Portland cops asked Al Gore's masseuse to provide the DNA stained clothing she saved when he assaulted her. This is why Al should have succeeded Bill Clinton as president. The first requirement of any civilized society is continuity of government.

The DNC proposed four cities Tuesday to host the Democratic Convention in four years. They're Charlotte, Cleveland, Minneapolis and St. Louis. Democrats want to be sure they hold the convention in a state that's not going to secede and embarrass them.

President Obama gave a speech calling for immigration reform Thursday. Hispanic activists said they hated the speech because it has no specifics. So much for his dream of replacing the Virgin Mary as the leading image on toast in immigrant homes.

President Obama said in his speech Thursday that the U.S.-Mexico border was more secure than in twenty years. That's to his credit. When his stimulus bill failed to create any jobs last year he had no idea it was just as good as sealing the border.

The History Channel began filming a mini-series called The Kennedys with Greg Kinnear as Jack Kennedy. They spared no expense for accuracy. They used the Library of Congress, six biographies, and archive footage from Girls Gone Wild-Palm Beach Edition.

NASA head Charles Bolden said Barack Obama told him to assure the Muslim world of their contributions in space. It's so true. If it hadn't been for al-Qaeda our technological advances in robotic weaponry would have stopped when we won the Cold War.

President Obama blamed the previous administration for the huge budget deficit Monday which could force him to raise taxes next year. It may be time to panic. As long as you still have a healthy spare kidney, President Obama thinks you are rich.

President Obama lauded the Declaration of Independence Sunday. He urged people to live by the nation's founders' principles. He thinks if he comes out in favor of no taxes and slave labor he has a chance of hanging onto his House majority this fall.

New York wilted in heat Sunday as high waves pummeled all three coastlines. It was all so avoidable. The Portland masseuse's friends warned her if she accused Al Gore of sexual assault, global warming would destroy the earth, and now it's happening.

Senator Robert Byrd's niece surprised mourners at his funeral Tuesday by saying he told her he was dyslexic. No one knew that. So it turns out the only reason Robert Byrd joined the KKK was because he mis-read it thinking he was joining the KKK.

NASA head Charles Bolden said President Obama told him to use NASA as a way to make Muslims feel good about themselves. The president has an agenda. He wants to put an end to the image of the NASA space program being a bunch of white guys who play golf on the moon.

President Obama met with Israel's Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu Tuesday at the White House. Obama told reporters afterwards that America's bond with Israel is unbreakable. He doesn't like to admit defeat but he's tried everything he can think of.

The White House likened local resistance to the Arizona immigration law to the civil rights demonstrations of the Sixties. The president believes that Hispanics and blacks are on the same page. This is a guy who obviously has never been in prison.

TSA workers were blocked Tuesday from accessing political opinion websites on their computers at airports. Porno is allowed. It's part of the job to study what body parts look like so you'll recognize them in the body scanner and not think they're grenades.

NASA's Charles Bolden caused a storm in an interview with al-Jazeera Tuesday. He said President Obama ordered him to use NASA to recognize Muslim contributions to space travel. It's a nice break from recognizing their contributions to airline travel.

The Justice Department refused Wednesday to prosecute Black Panthers for voter intimidation in Philly. There was incriminating video evidence. The Attorney General almost filed charges but when he found out that BP stood for Black Panthers he dropped the case.

Al and Tipper Gore released a statement Monday saying they won't attend Chelsea Clinton's wedding. It would have been awkward. Al has been embarrassed by two sex accusations in a month and that's an honor being reserved for the father of the bride.

President Obama's grandma Sarah Hussein Obama said in the Globe she was in the delivery room when he was born in Kenya. The White House said they don't comment on tabloid reports. That's certainly a strategy that worked for John Edwards and Al Gore.

The Weather Channel showed triple-digit heat for the third straight day on the Eastern Seaboard Wednesday. The misery index soared. It was so hot in Washington D.C. that Al Gore sexually assaulted the woman he hired to fan him on his massage table.

The Justice Department filed a suit over Arizona's immigration law Tuesday. They had no choice. The Arizona law has legal precedent, public support and common sense on its side, but if we're only going to have rational laws the Democrats are finished.

President Obama avoided confirmation hearings with a recess appointment of Dr. Don Berwick to head Medicare and Medicaid Tuesday. The doctor favors rationing care for old people and the poor. It was so brave of Robert Byrd to be his first volunteer.

Bill Clinton excused Robert Byrd's Ku Klux Klan activity in his funeral eulogy saying it's what poor men did to get elected in West Virginia. Bob never forgot his past. He returned to Wheeling every year to cut the ribbon at the January white sales.

-- Argus Hamilton

Vice President Joe Biden made a surprise visit to Iraq. It was a surprise for Biden because he thought he was going to Des Moines for a fundraiser.

- - Leno

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An Amish farmer walking through his field and notices a man drinking from his pond with his hand.

The Amish man shouts:"Trinken Sie nicht das Wasser, die Kuhe und die Schweine haben in ihm geschissen!"

(which means: "Don't drink the water. The cows and pigs have shit in it!)"

The man shouts back: "I am a Muslim. I don't understand, nor do I care to understand your gibberish you Infidel!

The Amish man shouts back in perfect English, "Use two hands, you'll get more!"

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Barack Obama met with the Queen of England.

He asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"

"Well," said the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Obama frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"

The Queen took a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle." The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?"

Tony Blair walked into the room and said, "Yes, my Queen?"

The Queen smiled and said, "Answer me this please, Tony, your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?”

Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answered, "That would be me."

"Yes! Very good," said the Queen.

Obama went back home to ask Joe Biden, his Vice President the same question.

"Joe, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"

"I'm not sure," said Biden. "Let me get back to you on that one." He went to his advisors and asked every one, but none could give him an answer. Finally, he ended up in the men's room and recognized Colin Powell's shoes in the next stall.

Biden asked Powell, "Colin, can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Colin Powell yelled back, "That's easy, it's me!"

Biden smiled, and said, "Thanks!" Then, he went back to speak with Obama. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It is Colin Powell!"

Obama got up, stomped over to Biden, and angrily yelled into his face, "No! You idiot! It's Tony Blair!"

AND THAT MY FRIENDS IS WHAT'S WRONG WITH OUR GOVERNMENT.

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